I got hitched!

Hello dearly beloved blog readers!

I'm so sorry for abandoning you for many moons.

I thought I should pop back on here and account for the events that resulted in the silence of this blog. You might be happy to learn that my many years of online dating actually did result in finally meeting the godly companion and spiritual leader I had longed for my whole life.

But that was not the man I met in late May 2013 that resulted in the abrupt ending of my singleness self-therapy and my subsequent forgetting about this blog's existence.  He was a nice, godly man and we pursued a relationship but concluded it was not God's will for us to marry.

The man I had been longing for my whole life, however, is almost entirely to blame for my excruciatingly long wait!  For starters, he is four years younger than me!  So I had to wait for him to mature.  Second, he only gave online dating a try as a last resort when he turned 30.  Six months later he was about to give up on it when he saw my profile.

I, on the other hand, had just recently reactivated my account again for the umpteenth time (since first starting online dating at age 18).

With Jeff and me, it seemed to simply be a case of perfect timing and two compatible hearts.  We had never resided in the same place and there wouldn't have been any chance for us to meet if it were not for Christian Mingle.

So what are my thoughts now on my long period of singleness?  Now that I've been married for six months and see the benefits of married life, do I think it would have been nice to have been married earlier in life?

Sure.  It would have been nice.  I blame Jeff entirely for not getting on Christian Mingle earlier in his life!

But would I have wanted to be married to anyone else instead?  No way!

I do not regret my single years at all!  Rather, I feel that I learned valuable lessons and had unique experiences that I wouldn't have been able to have if I had been married.  God does not make mistakes.  His plans are for our good!

The only thing I regret is all the times I spent worrying about being single.  I wasted energy at times on worrying about my situation or what people were thinking about me or fearing that I would be single the rest of my life.  I also regret some of the ways I ended dating relationships (or the ways others ended them with me) where I was hurt or where I ended up hurting others.  I don't regret being in those godly relationships though!  We were able to encourage and support each other during a lonely season in our lives.  Those were very special friendships.  And those relationships helped me learn more about the type of guy that would be a good match with me.

If I could give advice now to my younger self it would be: try not to worry about it.  Continue being open to who God might have for you as a life partner, pray about it, and seek avenues for meeting new people.  Cultivate deep relationships with single friends of your own gender as well. But, most importantly, try to focus on what God is asking you to do next and take steps in obedience to His call on your life.

Trust that God has a plan and it is for your good.  Whether He chooses to refine you in the trials and tribulations of singlehood or through marital & family challenges, there will be joys and sorrows in either path.  Don't forget to be thankful for all of the joys of the path you are currently on and to remember the challenges with another path.  No road in life is free from trial or suffering. And remember that your road is constantly changing.  You don't know whether or not a significant bend lies just ahead.

We are commanded to be content with what we have (Heb. 13:5), but this is so hard to do!  One practical thing I have learned to do that helps is to compare my situation with one that is worse.  This requires some focus and intention because our natural tendency is to always compare our situation with someone who appears to have something we want and then we feel discontent, discouraged, or envious.  But if we can identify those thoughts as soon as they come into our mind and immediately replace them with a scenario that is worse than we are in, it helps.  This was a mental technique I often used during my long journey as a single person in a (mostly) couples world. I would keep some personal examples in my mind of situations I did not envy (friends in troubled marriages, for example) and I would remind myself of those when I was tempted to feel sorry for myself.

I don't believe this little mental technique I have described should be the end goal.  I think there is a higher goal that we should strive for, but this transitional technique can help our minds move in the right direction because it involves training our minds to "think on things that are true" (Phil. 4:8). Because let's face it, comparing ourselves to someone who seems to have what we want is not only discouraging and depressing, it involves idolatry and coveting.  Our mind is being tempted and deceived and we must re-train it to think in a more Christ-like way. As followers of the Most High God, the truth is that we have been promised everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3).

But we are on a process toward greater sanctification.  Paul says he had learned "the secret of being content" in any and every circumstance (Phil. 4:12 NIV).  I'm sure that part of this secret was learning that "to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Phil. 2:21).  Christ had become so much greater to Paul that he was willing to count everything else as a loss for the sake of Christ (Phil. 3:8).

I'm definitely not there yet, but I want to strive for that.  I think that is the higher goal we should be aiming for.  We must press forward with our eyes fixed on Jesus.

[Let] us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Heb. 12:1-3)

My First Misadventure in Online Dating

His screen name was King Louie.  

That should have been my first clue.  

What kind of person chooses King Louie for a handle?  

Ladies, when you are exploring the world of online dating, pay attention to strangeness in any form.

(Made by me on Pixton.com)

As an idealistic 18-yr-old, I didn't pay any attention to numerous clues that the gentleman I was corresponding with was a little bit odd.  

We met in the parking lot at Denny's and I tried to stifle my shock and horror upon my first glimpse of him in real life. Awkward would be a compliment.  Bizarre is too strong.  He was somewhere between the two.  (And he didn't look very much like the man below.)  But his voice was unusually loud and I felt conspicuous as he prattled on about things I didn't wish for the whole restaurant to hear.  

(Made by me on Pixton.com)

Then, when he produced his personal set of clubs and golf balls for a mini-golf game, I felt that the date had moved a little outside the boundaries of what I considered normal.  And then it got weirder.  While he was waiting for his turn to play, he sat on the grass and worked on braiding a friendship bracelet on his ankle.  (I guess technically that would be a friendship anklet.)

Then we ran into some friends of mine.  I was mortified.  My friend picked up on the "odd factor" immediately and when we got a moment in private she expressed confusion about my choice of a date.

King Louie had a great time and continued to call me afterwards, but I was able to convey my lack of regard appropriately and he eventually stopped calling.  I've completely lost contact with him now and haven't seen his profile anywhere in the past 15 years that I've been on and off various online dating websites.  

I genuinely hope he met his true love and that they are compatible in all 29 areas - including a love for loud talking in public places.  I can picture them right now sitting on their couch, watching TV, and braiding friendship bracelets on their ankles.  I truly hope that's what happened.  

Or maybe our short-lived "online relationship" burned him on online dating for good and he hasn't yet met his true love and he has turned to blogging.  And maybe he's out there searching new blogs right now and he is about to run across this one, 

and even though I tried to change some of the details to make it less obvious, he might figure out who I'm referring to and he'll know who I am and I'll get a little comment letting me know he's still single, he's worked out a few oddities in the past 15 years, and he would like to take me out (but not for a date).

(Made by me on Pixton.com)

Self-Therapy for Singleness

One of the greatest ways I have found to deal with any stressful or confusing situation is to laugh about it.  This is not an attempt to deny the reality of the pain (although I've done my share of that too), but it does require conscious effort to rejoice in all things and to express faith that God has a plan that we cannot see.  When we choose to use humor in this way - with a heart full of faith that God is working out His plan - our lives are filled with joy and peace.

Humor is also a great way to deal with things that make us feel angry.  

For example, I was reading a blog the other day that was written by a perfectly normal-sounding Christian lady who was about 7 years younger than me.  She was expressing her frustration over being single and the lack of quality gentlemen in her social circle.  This is a well-known problem that is filling up Christian singles groups all over America with masses of attractive, highly intelligent, highly motivated young ladies (if you weren't aware of this disturbing phenomenon, please see this article).

Anyway, this young woman was writing very genuinely from her heart and expressing her angst over her unfulfilled desire to be married (a feeling I resonate with completely), but then a 57-yr-old woman who was recently divorced came on the blog on several different occasions and suggested to this young lady that she might want to consider getting some counseling.  She said, "It's not that there's anything wrong with you, it's just that sometimes we don't see things about ourselves that are turning other people off."  

Really????  I wonder if that lady had ever taken herself up on her own advice.

As I mentioned in the last post, there are things that people say to Christian singles that only bring them more pain and that was a prime example of one such statement.

(Made by me on Pixton.com)

And now I feel better.

Sometimes it helps to take your vengeance out on the World Wide Web.

Introducing My Blog!

Hello world!

Welcome to my new blog where I hope to talk about the problem of singleness and the Christian community.

If you didn't know there was a problem please feel free to read this first.  Or this. Or this. These are some great insights on the problem, how it developed, and what is being done about it.  Which isn't much.  

I also hope to share some humorous stories from my long history of relationships that weren't meant to be.  I have so many tales to tell from my online dating misadventures to visiting awkward singles groups to meeting amazing or crazy guys in real life.  

I'm convinced I hold the record for the longest-running online dating profile.  Ever. (Please don't contact any of the Christian dating sites to ask who is their longest-standing member - I'm sure it's me.)  I was trying online dating before most of you were born.  (Ok, that was probably an exaggeration since I just started this blog and I have no idea if anyone is even reading it, let alone how old you are.)  But, regardless, I am 33, (quickly approaching 34!) and feeling more and more like an old maid every day.  So that practically makes me your grandma.  (Oh wait...I've never been married and don't have any kids so I could hardly be anyone's grandma...I guess I could be your great aunt.)

I was only 18, though, when I first gave online dating a whirl.  I wouldn't say I was old enough to be desperate.  Gullible maybe.  And definitely adventurous.  I had heard a great promo on the radio for Eharmony and their new-fangled, computer-based compatibility matching that helped pair couples on 29 different dimensions of their personalities that usually resulted in divorce for other people. Or something like that.  

But I lived in a small town and online dating sounded like a great way to snag a date... until my first experiment turned out to be a disaster.

But I'll write about that in a later post.

For now I would just like to introduce my blog and what I hope to talk about on here.  

One thing I really hope to shed some light on are what kinds of comments bring Christian singles the most pain.  I really think it stems from fear or confusion on the part of well-meaning folks who want to try to fix something that seems wrong and doesn't make sense to them.  Especially people who married young and have not yet walked the road of singleness in their adult life.  They often like to offer advice or suggestions from their own experience, not realizing that they are heaping blame and shame on Christian singles.  For example, the two most common offending statements are:

"When I finally stopped searching on my own and gave it to God, I met my wife"  

OR

"When I finally put God first in my life, then He gave me a husband"

I don't mock these experiences.  They are obviously very real for the people who had them and I respect the roads they have walked, but these scenarios are not some kind of "magic pill" that can be prescribed to all Christian singles.  Our God is not a cookie-cutter God.  He is so personal and the journeys He has for each of us are unique and designed for our particular good.  When we stop believing that we can fall into discouragement, depression, or hopelessness.  

What happens if one of these people loses their spouse to a fatal disease or a tragic accident?  Will they blame themselves and question what they did wrong?  

These statements imply that Christian singles haven't surrendered as much to God as those who are married.  But we know that isn't true and sometimes the opposite is the case because many singles have been tested and tried in the fire of suffering (because, for those who desire to be married, singleness can feel at times like suffering).

Singleness isn't usually the fault of the single person (although sometimes it is).  It's a season of life. We all experience it at some point and for some people it lasts their entire temporal life on earth. Other people enter and leave this season numerous times throughout their lifespan due to personal choice or things completely outside of their control (such as death or a divorce that was not their fault).

I am a missionary and there are some benefits to being single and in ministry (there are also some difficult challenges and I long for a spouse to share the stresses of ministry with).  Some of the people I have respected most throughout my life have been single Christians (some who are still living as well as those who are currently with the Lord) who poured their lives into serving God and other people.  

But even though I have deeply respected these single warriors, I have always had a strong desire to be married myself.  I have wanted to be married since I was about 15 years old.  Maybe younger. And I have loads of single Christian friends who feel the same way.  Sometimes we think we aren't doing enough on our part to pursue it and so we do things to try to step out and meet more people.  We try online dating or visiting different churches or singles groups.  We go through seasons where we just entirely give it up to God, accept it, forget about it, and move on with our lives.  

But what do we do when our desires go unmet year after year after year?  How do we respond when our experiences constantly fail to match up to our longings?

This is a blog about life.  About suffering.  About reality.  It's also hopefully going to be a place where I can preach to myself to keep pressing on in the battle, especially when I'm faced with discouragement and hopelessness.  And I'm hoping to encourage others out there because I have enough single friends to know I'm not the only one who shares these thoughts and feelings and sometimes we just like to hear other people articulate our shared experiences.

This world is not our home.  We are just passing through.  And one day, if our lives belong to Jesus, He is going to make all of this confusion clear for us.  But right now we need to press on and walk by faith and not by sight.