I'm so sorry for abandoning you for many moons.
I thought I should pop back on here and account for the events that resulted in the silence of this blog. You might be happy to learn that my many years of online dating actually did result in finally meeting the godly companion and spiritual leader I had longed for my whole life.
But that was not the man I met in late May 2013 that resulted in the abrupt ending of my singleness self-therapy and my subsequent forgetting about this blog's existence. He was a nice, godly man and we pursued a relationship but concluded it was not God's will for us to marry.
The man I had been longing for my whole life, however, is almost entirely to blame for my excruciatingly long wait! For starters, he is four years younger than me! So I had to wait for him to mature. Second, he only gave online dating a try as a last resort when he turned 30. Six months later he was about to give up on it when he saw my profile.
I, on the other hand, had just recently reactivated my account again for the umpteenth time (since first starting online dating at age 18).
With Jeff and me, it seemed to simply be a case of perfect timing and two compatible hearts. We had never resided in the same place and there wouldn't have been any chance for us to meet if it were not for Christian Mingle.
So what are my thoughts now on my long period of singleness? Now that I've been married for six months and see the benefits of married life, do I think it would have been nice to have been married earlier in life?
Sure. It would have been nice. I blame Jeff entirely for not getting on Christian Mingle earlier in his life!
But would I have wanted to be married to anyone else instead? No way!
I do not regret my single years at all! Rather, I feel that I learned valuable lessons and had unique experiences that I wouldn't have been able to have if I had been married. God does not make mistakes. His plans are for our good!
The only thing I regret is all the times I spent worrying about being single. I wasted energy at times on worrying about my situation or what people were thinking about me or fearing that I would be single the rest of my life. I also regret some of the ways I ended dating relationships (or the ways others ended them with me) where I was hurt or where I ended up hurting others. I don't regret being in those godly relationships though! We were able to encourage and support each other during a lonely season in our lives. Those were very special friendships. And those relationships helped me learn more about the type of guy that would be a good match with me.
If I could give advice now to my younger self it would be: try not to worry about it. Continue being open to who God might have for you as a life partner, pray about it, and seek avenues for meeting new people. Cultivate deep relationships with single friends of your own gender as well. But, most importantly, try to focus on what God is asking you to do next and take steps in obedience to His call on your life.
Trust that God has a plan and it is for your good. Whether He chooses to refine you in the trials and tribulations of singlehood or through marital & family challenges, there will be joys and sorrows in either path. Don't forget to be thankful for all of the joys of the path you are currently on and to remember the challenges with another path. No road in life is free from trial or suffering. And remember that your road is constantly changing. You don't know whether or not a significant bend lies just ahead.
We are commanded to be content with what we have (Heb. 13:5), but this is so hard to do! One practical thing I have learned to do that helps is to compare my situation with one that is worse. This requires some focus and intention because our natural tendency is to always compare our situation with someone who appears to have something we want and then we feel discontent, discouraged, or envious. But if we can identify those thoughts as soon as they come into our mind and immediately replace them with a scenario that is worse than we are in, it helps. This was a mental technique I often used during my long journey as a single person in a (mostly) couples world. I would keep some personal examples in my mind of situations I did not envy (friends in troubled marriages, for example) and I would remind myself of those when I was tempted to feel sorry for myself.
I don't believe this little mental technique I have described should be the end goal. I think there is a higher goal that we should strive for, but this transitional technique can help our minds move in the right direction because it involves training our minds to "think on things that are true" (Phil. 4:8). Because let's face it, comparing ourselves to someone who seems to have what we want is not only discouraging and depressing, it involves idolatry and coveting. Our mind is being tempted and deceived and we must re-train it to think in a more Christ-like way. As followers of the Most High God, the truth is that we have been promised everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3).
But we are on a process toward greater sanctification. Paul says he had learned "the secret of being content" in any and every circumstance (Phil. 4:12 NIV). I'm sure that part of this secret was learning that "to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Phil. 2:21). Christ had become so much greater to Paul that he was willing to count everything else as a loss for the sake of Christ (Phil. 3:8).
I'm definitely not there yet, but I want to strive for that. I think that is the higher goal we should be aiming for. We must press forward with our eyes fixed on Jesus.
[Let] us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Heb. 12:1-3)
